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| 2nd Families |
Kindling New Kinships
Anne Field
11/01/2004
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One Monday morning nearly a decade ago, Alice Simon embarked on her first
task as a new stepparent. It was nearly her last. She agreed to take her new
husband’s little girl, with whom she had theretofore had a good relationship, to
school, but soon found herself desperately trying to manage the child’s
headstrong behavior and frequent tantrums. They clashed at every step, from
brushing the child’s hair to choosing what to eat for breakfast. “I just didn’t
know how to deal with it,” Simon recalls. “I called my husband and told him I’d
never do it again. It was a nightmare.”
 Simon has since had two children of
her own and achieved an uneasy détente with her now-teenage stepdaughter. She no
longer endures tantrums, and the girl occasionally does what she asks. The two
have even shared some enjoyable moments. Nonetheless, Simon feels far from
satisfied with their relationship. “It can be hurtful to be a stepparent,” she
says. “You’re very vulnerable.”
Building bonds with stepchildren is a
difficult process that takes time, patience, stamina and the thickest of skins.
For those like Simon, who enter their marriages childless, it also requires a
crash course in how to be a parent.
Even experienced parents can find the
complications that plague many second marriages bewildering. The uneasy dynamics
between the spouses themselves, their stepchildren, their children and their
ex-spouses can be overwhelming. Add the complications of an affluent household,
and the problems multiply. For example, Stephan Poulter, a clinical psychologist
in Brentwood, Calif., and the author of two books on child rearing, notes that
disparities in affluence between spouses, or differences in their child-rearing
philosophies, often vex our attempts to plan and manage the distribution of
wealth, attention and responsibilities among our children and stepchildren.
TOP VIEW
Our relationships with our stepchildren may be buffeted by many issues such as
resentments stemming from our decisions about how to share our wealth, or from
the strains introduced when our new spouse is close in age to our eldest child.
Differences in levels of affluence also press upon these relationships, as well
as those between the new stepsiblings. There is no panacea; we must work through
these issues with patience and, often, long years of effort. It is the
price we pay to build a successful second family. |
A United Front
Parents who fear alienating their children due to a divorce
or remarriage are often inclined to spoil them, making the children even more
difficult to manage and less likely to cooperate with an unsuspecting
stepparent, as Simon discovered. Her husband, Andrew, would often give in to his
daughter’s whims, and she frequently threw tantrums if Simon attempted to
discipline her. Soon after her Monday morning nightmare, Simon suggested that
she and her husband consult Leslie Mayer, president of Mayer Leadership Group in
Wayne, Pa., who counsels stepfamilies. They met with Mayer several times and
discussed Simon’s frustration with what she saw as her husband’s pampering of
his daughter and the girl’s impertinence. Eventually, the couple realized that
Andrew, the only authority figure the child respected, would have to take the
lead in discipline to stave off friction.
Simon admits she has become more
adept at setting rules since having her own children, now 5 and 7 years old. She
establishes consistent rules for everyone to follow. If her own offspring must
remain at the table until everyone has finished eating, then so must her
stepdaughter. If each family member is expected to share something about his or
her day during dinner, her stepdaughter must also participate—or at least listen
politely.
“As a stepparent, you don’t have real authority,” Simon points out.
“Imagine if every time you needed to discipline your children, you had to get an
OK from your husband. There are times when it’s very unnatural.”
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